Every Conversation You'll
Have the First Week of School
By: Joe Taveras
The first week back to school is always a blast. You get to decorate your new dorm room, see your friends that you haven’t seen all summer, and celebrate the incredible jump in clout that you have experienced returning back to campus a whole three months older. While all of this sounds incredible, there is still no escaping the dreadful First Week Conversation. What’s the First Week Conversation you ask? Oh you know, the one that you have with EVERY SINGLE person that you come into contact with! Of course, it always starts off with: ‘How was your summer?’ The only right way to respond to this is by making a widely generalized statement that attempts to encapsulate the past three months of your intern-by-day bar-by-night life. So you say your summer was ‘great!’ and ‘busy!’ I say that it’s time for a change. The next time I’m in the elevator going up to my new dorm room and my hands are filled with the packed stuff that I never used last year and someone asks me how my summer went I really want to drop what I’m holding and give them a complete step-by-step rundown of every action I did, emotion I felt, meal I ate, and drink I drank.
'How was your summer?'
‘I’m so glad you asked!’ *drops old trash bags containing my entire life* ‘My summer all started on May 27th, 7:29 p.m. when I…’
ANYWAYS, after everyone asks how your summer was, they always will follow up with: ‘Where are you living this year?’ Once again, this can call for an extremely succinct answer that cuts straight to the point in three words or less. But break the pattern, ignite change! Next time someone asks you where you’re living all you have to is say, ‘Hey acquaintance I only see at the beginning and end of semesters! I could tell you where I’m living in three words or less, but ya know what, why don’t I just give you a tour of my new dorm instead! Oh don’t worry I only live on the complete other side of campus! Let’s go!’ In the great words of everyone who quotes Steve Jobs and his cool-kid-company, “Think Different”.
Alright, so you told them about your summer and you’ve shown them your dorm room, which, let’s be honest, is really only slightly different in how the rooms are organized (yet we all freak out because ‘I cAn’T bEliEve yoUr cOuch is on THAt side of yoUr roOm’). After these two absolutely thrilling conversation pieces, there will most likely be a slightly awkward moment when you both don’t really know where to take the conversation next. If they’re a conversational genius they may quickly jump to ‘So I can’t believe we’re seniors now!’ or ‘Do you know where people are going out tonight?’, but if they’re not then this could be a great place to try something. What if, hear me out, during this awkward in-between moment you were to just look this acquaintance deep in the eyes and just confidently ask them ‘So yeah what do you think about the fact that flies don’t have lungs?’ And that’s how you make friends at college.
August 30, 2018